Satire by Eric Curl
Jan. 21, 2024 – Rather than having to constantly amend the Future Land Use Map, city officials say they are planning to rely on a more dependable Magic 8 Ball to make zoning decisions.
“We decided this new method will be much less of a hassle and just about as predictable as the current process,” said one advocate for the change.
If successful, the fortune telling sphere could also be used to determine whether a structure is historic or not, as the consensus on what should be designated a “contributing structure” grows more murky.
With regards to issuing alcohol licenses, the city will continue to employ the “coin-flip” method.
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